Family, Friends & Fellow Officers Remember...

hello again my sweet love,

i'm sorry i haven't written in so long. i left on my birthday to head up to see our family in PA. we talked about you a lot on the way up there...12 hours in a van gives you plenty of time to think and reflect. anyway, it's so good to hear brittany tell stories about you. she still adores you completely, and she shares her memories when she knows i need them the most. it's so weird to think that i've now lived longer than you ever had the chance to. you accomplished so much more than i could even dream of at this point in my life. i am so incredibly proud of you and everything you did in the 20 years you were here on this earth.

it's still so hard...over 2 years later...so very hard. maybe this is wrong to say, but i hope you pick out a special man for me in the future when you think i'm ready. i know you wouldn't want me to be alone forever, but i just can't stand to face this world on my own. i know you are still cheering me on up there and helping me out as much as you can. i just want you here with me to share the tears of joy and even those of pain or whatever i have to face.

only 2 more weeks before i begin student teaching....i am so totally excited as you know! we might have a class of all-boys!!! yeah i know that would be all your doing!! i can't wait to get into the classroom again and meet my new kids.

well babe i guess i should get back to work. i just had to write to you even though i talk to you all the time anyway. eye luv u.

j

Jessi
fiancee

July 8, 2005

Hello my son:
Fourth of July is nearing and the closer it gets the stronger the images. I remember our first 4th of July as you were a baby. Then the later years and you would have me go to Tennessee and by you fireworks. We would go to the local park and watch the fireworks. Then you would have people over and shoot the fireworks from our deck. I can see you so clearly. I can even remember the last shirt you had on when you did this. I can see you so clearly in my minds eye, smiling and having such a good time. I cried last night I miss our family so much being together sharing things. What you and Jess did what happened at work. It goes through my mind constantly. The hurt never goes away and it so permanent. I know we will see each other in heaven but that does not stop my heart for aching for your sight, your smile and your words. Cole I love you so much and the hurt just keeps coming I feel so alone without you. No family no son to share in his family its awful. Don't forget mom will love you forever and always. You are my first thought in the mornings in between and my last thought before sleep. I want you happy above all things. Don't pay me any attention, my heart just aches but I am ok. Soar high my angel and do your job well in the heavens. Mom will take care of down here. Always and forever. Mom :)

July 2, 2005

Hey Cole,
Well your precious Jessi's bday is tomorrow and I am asking you to please watch over her tomorrow. I know you watch over her everyday - but keep careful watch over her tomorrow. Send her some Heavenly birthday wishes and love.

Love you GA JESS!

- Jessica Ruhl
(Member of Jess Squared!) :)

July 1, 2005

Jessi,
I think about you all the time. I reflect back on the verses you shared with me from 2 Corinthians 1:3-8, reminding myself daily that our Lord truly is the God of all comfort. I continue to pray that our heart's will heal from these tragic losses. You are in my prayers always.

Love,
Kelly

Kelly

July 1, 2005

just thinking of you and missing you

luv
j

July 1, 2005

i thank God everyday that he let me have you in my life even for an instant. thank you for today and letting me laugh a little more than i have recently. i just love you so much, and can never explain what you mean to me. all the words would never capture the essence of you and how much you touched my life. in less than a month i'll be student teaching. i wish you were here so i could tell you stories and you could encourage me. i know you are still with me, but sometimes the pain is so overwhelming. the shadow of confusion and disbelief is still there...over 2 years later. my birthday is saturday and it doesn't seem fair that i'm still here and you're not. i get to see my 21st birthday and you never did. yours was only in heaven, even though we thought of you down here too. it just doesn't seem right cole...that you are gone...and some are still here...and we had to be left behind. i love you more each day and continue to be thankful that your family shared you with me. please watch over us all.

eye luv u.

jess

June 29, 2005

I read this website every day and I would just like to say that you sound like an amazing man. Your fiance and family really love you and care about you so much. You sound like you have been a great son, fiance, and friend to so many people. I am a friend of officer Nick Sloan, and I just want to say that I have read the reflections Jessi has posted on his page. I really appreciate the respect that she shows to him and to Kirsten. I was led to your page after I was reading a reflection that Jessi had left for Nick. I thought that was so nice and caring. I have been wanting to leave a message for you, but I never knew what to say. All I know is that your fiance truly misses you and that you meant so much to her and she meant so much to you. Make sure you keep her close to your heart and help her through hard times. She really needs you and your support. Thank you for serving your community and doing what you loved. You are truly missed.

Tracie

June 29, 2005

Hello`my`Baby 4th of jULY coming up. I hate any holiday now. It just focuses on how absent you are. I cried all day yesterday I missed you so and hurt so bad. I try Cole but this is so hard. You were my best friend, my protector and my baby. We always took care of each other. I miss getting to know what is happening in you life. I try to figure out what you would be into now. Even in 2 years technology has changed. You would be so intrigued. My Angel, My Friend, My love, My friend, My son. Momma misses you so and you are always in my thoughts. I liked Jess's lyrics to the song they say so much for those whom have lost it all.

Sweet dreams my baby. I love you always and forever. Love Mom.

June 28, 2005

hey baby, i couldn't stop thinking about you all night after i attended that wedding. thank you for giving me some strength to get me through it. i survived, as i knew i would. so hard to watch true love when i've lost mine. anyway, i heard this song tonight and i'm posting some of the lyrics for you...totally sums up how i feel a lot of the time. eye luv u.

Probably wouldn't be this way
By: LeAnn Rimes

...I'm probably going on and on
It seems I'm doing more of that these days

I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute without you in it
Oh You left so fast
Sometimes I see you standing there
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch
Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much
God gave me a moment's grace
'Cause if I'd never seen your face
I probably wouldn't be this way

Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you
Susan says that I should just move on

You oughta see the way these people look at me
When they see me 'round here talking to this stone

Everybody thinks I've lost my mind
But I just take it day by day...

June 27, 2005

Cole,

Please give me the strength to do what you know i have to do tonight. it won't be easy, but i have to start taking those baby steps. you have helped me through so much especially in the last month or so....the ups and the downs. it has been rough, but i know you've been with me and will continue to be. i still love you just as much as before, but i know that we will be reunited again. please just continue to whisper some words in my ear to keep me on the right path. it's so scary facing the world without you by my side, but i've learned so much too. some more guys have joined you again...it breaks my heart to see the numbers rise each day. patrol those streets, my angel, and keep your brothers in blue safe down here.

j

June 26, 2005

Hello my baby. I love you so. I think of you every minute. I went to your grave yesterday. Your flowers that Mom and Aunt Willie set out are blooming so pretty. Jess left you a new police bear under a glass dome. It is so cute I know you are smiling about it. Your birthday and police week flowers are still pretty. I miss you so much. I wish you could just hold me for a minute and tell me you love me. You know my luck, continue to wait on me I will get their eventually with my luck I will live to 90. I love you momma.

June 23, 2005

cole,

three new guys joined you in Heaven yesterday...gosh...i just pray for their families. they have no idea of what lies ahead. i wish there were something i could say or do to help others when their officers are taken, but i know in my heart nothing will be good enough. i know all too well what it is like to be that alone and just wish that someone, anyone, could change things and take away my pain. unfortunately, the Lord never promised us an easy life, only that he would walk with us through it if we allow him to. it's so hard to read about guys leaving behind their children, but at least their children can carry on their legacy and keep their fathers' names alive. i try to do that for you, cole. and i know your mom does, too. my family does exactly the same. none of us have forgotten you my angel. it's so weird though, that sometimes i come to this site and stare at your picture...a thousand words flowing through my mind like a raging river...but i can't seem to find the words to express them. other times i feel as if i could write to you all day long and never be finished saying it all. either way, i love you my angel and i can't wait to see you again someday. keep watching over us all. and help the new guys and their families.

eye luv u.

j

Jessi
fiancee

June 22, 2005

good morning babe...
so today is father's day. while it should be a happy day, it's kind of like mother's day for me. i couldn't sleep last night. i kept dreaming about you and your wreck...over and over again. that hasn't happened in a while, and i don't know why it was on my mind. i hate holidays like these nowadays. they just seem like reminders of what we never got to live out together. you will never have any children of your own and your parents will never have any grandchildren from you. you never got to celebrate a father's day with homemade cards and sloppy writing or get any silly gifts. it just makes my heart hurt. i miss you each and every single day, baby. i hope you know that. i have been talking about you a lot lately and sometimes it hurts so much to bring up all the memories. but i can't help it - they're there anyway. well my angel, as always, eye luv u always and forever. i can't wait to see you again in heaven. hold my spot!

jess

June 19, 2005

I love you my Angel, Momma

June 17, 2005

i miss you more than my words here could ever express. why i am sitting here crying is beyond me. one of those days. again. eye luv u my angel. thank you for your love.
jess

June 13, 2005

Hello my baby:

I woke up crying this morning. I had been dreaming of you. We were talking and you were doing things all your friends were there. Then you died. I was so confused. It was like you were just here then just like real life you were suddenly gone. I could feel your presence then it was gone. I love you so much and miss you so much. Momma

Cole's Mom

June 13, 2005

I came to this reflection site to visit Blake Gammill's page and I read Jessi's message to Dawn. That led me to this page. I have been sitting here crying for an hour reading the heart-breaking messages written to this officer. I just feel such pain for all of you for so many reasons. I felt such a connection with you, Jessi, because I am a teacher. My husband is a police officer and April 25th is our anniversary. Your hero died on my 5th wedding anniversary, ten days after the birth of my child. Honestly, it leaves me feeling guilty that I wasn celebrating my happiness and you were losing the love of your life. I can't imagine the pain and sorrow.

Dawn is my friend and my husband grew up with Blake, they started at the SO on the same day. My husband serves on the SWAT team still. I wanted you to know that while I can never pretend to know your grief, my heart breaks for you.

Keep your head up and know that God is with you always. So is Cole.

God Bless You

Wife of an officer
Douglas County Sheriffs Office

June 13, 2005

"Mourning is not forgetting... It is an undoing. Every minute tie has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the dust."

~Margery Allingham

June 12, 2005

good morning, angel!

just wanted to check in with you! it's sunday here, so i'm getting ready for church and you've just been front and center on my mind. i have some amazing news! it looks like we are going to have a retreat this september!! that is, if enough girls register to go! i'm so excited, because if this actually happens, it will make your death a little less meaningless and senseless. it is so amazing to have been a part of this group and seeing how God has worked to improve the support for us. anyway, i just wanted to let you know (i know you already knew ALL of this, but you knew me!). well my angel in blue, until next time, you know how much i miss you.

j

June 12, 2005

baby,
i hate to bother you because i know you are busy in heaven, but i could really use you right now. one of britt's friends got in a wreck and could really use some heavenly help. please be with her family. i am praying like crazy, but i wanted to ask my special angel to help out too. also, one of my friends from here just lost her brother. i don't know what to do. you were supposed to be here to help me help other people. i miss you, cole, and i wish i could do something.
eye luv u angel.
j

June 10, 2005

hey babe
just thinkin bout ya today as always...
been talking about you a lot lately and finding some smiles too
miss you forever
j

June 9, 2005

The fiance, family and friends of this fine officer honor him with these fine remembrances. I can still feel the pain in all their reflections and my heart hurts for them. All I can say is I appreciate this fine young officers sacrifice and I trust God will continue to give them all the strength they need for the tough days ahead.

Anonymous

June 6, 2005

Jessi,
You left a reflection on my husband's page and I wanted to leave you one. Our loves were both killed on April 25 so I will now think of you as well on that day. I still hate that day. And you know it does get easier but it never gets "easy". I mean the pain is always right there. I wanted to tell you that your reflection on Cole's page brought tears to my eyes. It's so hard to let them go when you want them here so bad. I feel your pain sweetie and I'll keep you in my prayers. And remember as long as we never forget them they will never truly die. Keep your chin up, Cole would be proud of you!!
If you ever need me email me at lgibson@radford.edu

Laura Gibson, Surviving Spouse of
Allen W. Gibson, Jr. 04/25/98

June 6, 2005

Cole,
Happy Birthday. Please keep watching over us. We still miss you.

Sgt. Joshua Etheridge
Chatsworth Police Department

June 5, 2005

Cole-
Wishing you a very Happy Birthday today!! I am thinking about you and your beloved Jessi on this day. I am sure that birthdays are spectacular in Heaven, but I know that in her heart she wishes you were here to celebrate with her. Not a minute goes by that we don't ache, yearn or feel some sense of sorrow..
My Dearest Jessi-
Thinking of you today and blowing you lots of love and kisses in GA!
Wishing You Lots of Love,
Jules

Juli Verkler
Widow of Ptlm. Bryan S. Verkler EOW 12/13/03

June 4, 2005